Archive for January, 2017

Top hardware vendors announced a strategic partnership to develop future generations of CPUs and GPUs capable of delivering high detailed graphics and physics in Solitaire game

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It is well known, at least in the business world and government institutions, that so far the Solitaire game wasn’t running smoothly, giving secretaries, receptionists, accountants real troubles, sometimes affecting eye vision, giving physical and psychiatric conditions to such employees, highly decreasing productivity. In some cases employers were even sued for forcing people to play the game for days.

A study conducted by experienced 2nd graders has revealed that Solitaire was not running so smoothly as it did on the old 486 computers due to decreasing performance in the new generations of processors. However, a drunk programmer told us that more details.

“It all begun in the times when people at our company knew how to code. So this guy who was very good at it designed Solitaire, coded all alone and, as you know, it was forcefully installed on all computers, just like some adware. He did some awesome optimizations on the final build, the game was able to run on every computer at that time. My boss wanted to upgrade the game and add new features like advertisements, telemetry, user tracking, search, accounts and cloud where to store the cards in, etc. However, the guy who coded the game said that he would rather produce cider on a remote island than making such improvements. So, boss was upset, threw a few dollars to the guy for his job and fired him, believing that he could assign someone else to do the job. But he was wrong, nobody here was able to understand the code or even code the game from scratch. It was just too complicated for today’s employees. Boss then called his reverse engineers who were reversing competitors’ software to steal algorithms and ideas. They couldn’t break the optimizations of the binary. Then guys from Razors, Reloaded or Skidrow were called, but they couldn’t do it either. Company was in real trouble because Solitaire is the only valuable thing the company produces, so without it, people wouldn’t buy licenses anymore. Billions were on the table. Company was in deep trouble. Newer computers started to run the game slow and if a solutions wasn’t found, everything was lost. It’s known that code at this company is written by either high-schoolers or copied from StackOverflow. If they don’t have code for certain library and they don’t find any online, they ask on StackOverflow for voluntaries.”, said Kumar bin Pascal, manager of Bloatware and Junk Applications.

Giving the current situation, the company asked hardware vendors to create CPUs and GPUs optimizations in order for new computers to be able to run Solitaire. All companies agreed to partner up for this project. They already had their first work meeting and results were quite promising. Engineers from one vendor got engineers from the other one drunk and beat them for sabotaging the cpus market and building compilers which created bug-full applications on their CPUs; while this was happening, our company guys were installing Hackintosh on their laptops. Team leaders were satisfied by results and said teams created real bonds and they will work fruitfully in the future to bring Solitaire game in the new era.

Furthermore, sources that wanted to remain anonymous said to our reporters that NSA works on a quantum computer, with thousands and million times the performance of current systems that will be able to run Solitaire and other games somehow smoothly.

We also asked normal users regarding this situation.

“I barely wait the day when Solitaire will run ok on my high-end workstation. It’s really difficult at this moment, sometimes it takes long time to open the game, it takes long time due to crashes and drop in fps to create those 4 decks. And ALT+TAB is really-really slow; when my boss is coming, it takes a huge amount of time to switch from text editors or other applications to Solitaire in order not to get caught working. My boss is always pressing me to play better, but it’s not my fault.”, said a secretary to us.

While our reporters were on a vacation on a remote island, out of curiosity, they asked the opinion of a local, giving the fact that Solitaire is known worldwide as the most effective productivity application. “Don’t care. I, myself, knew how to code, but I realized it was not for me. With a few bucks investment, I managed to build a big beverage factory. Software industry is not worth the trouble.”, said a local who was happily drinking a bottle of cider.

Nigerian prince in depression because nobody accepts his donations

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Royal medical team of Nigeria is deeply concerned regarding the health of the well-known Nigerian prince. It was brought to our attention that the prince tried to conduct a funding campaign for more than a decade now, for various people from around the world. The campaign consisted in offering millions of dollars to all kind of people who would volunteer to help the prince withdraw the money from his bank accounts, as he couldn’t carry the money himself due to monetary weight.

As it turned out, there were very few people who responded to the prince’s call, despite his continuous efforts to convince people to accept his donations. This situation affected the prince’s health who considers that his efforts were in vain and his generosity¬† not well understood.

I tried everything I could. I have send millions of emails, tried to call people, but just a bunch of guys answered. I have stayed very late at night, inside my one-room castle, with my Fiber Optic dial-up connection on, sending emails, posting on forums, on various chat rooms. People do not understand me, people do not know I want to do good for them, to give them money. I do not need these money, I have a lot and I am bored of it. If every contacted person in the world would accept my millions, the effects of global economic crisis would vanish.” said the prince to our reporter.

On the other side, his psychiatrist depicted his situation: “It’s a very difficult time for our prince and situation tends to get worse. If people do not respond to his requests, we might need to find other means to put his plans in practice as he is very determined and dedicated to helping people. We already thought to give people “this-is-definitely-a-winning” lottery tickets, give them “do-nothing-get-well-paid” jobs, help them in case FBI contacts them with various orders and so on. This way the prince will get the feeling that he does good to society and himself, he will feel useful again.

After deep research, we managed to get in touch with a guy who was clever enough to respond to the prince’s call. We asked him to give some feedback regarding his experience: “Well, it was unexpected. Giving the fact that I never won anything in my life, receiving the notification from the prince that he offers me 10 000 000$ was a very big surprise. I started dancing in my living room of joy and my wife was surprised, too. I pulled some good and smooth dancing moves, you know? I am a very big fan of Harlem Shake. So, told my wife, agreed to prince’s offer and sent him from our accounts few thousands dollars to cover bank fees. It was at least we could do, right? After some time, we did receive the money. Can you imagine? 10 000 000$ ! Now we both danced! We got the money in suitcases! Can you imagine? Like businessmen! What we noticed different from the usual daily dollar was that the color was brown and the printing of the money was a little odd, the ink sticks to hands and fingers when handling them. But this is no issue, we can deal with that! We have big plans now, like investments, buying stuff and more. God bless the prince!